STEVEN CATACOMB
FUNERALSHIRE, 31 Feb- Sir Andrei Valet (Pronunciation: \ˈva-lət, ˈva-(ˌ)lā, va-ˈlā\), CBE, eminent social activist and owner of StolenAuto Corp., has passed away in his sleep last night. He was 99 years, 364 days old. His physician, Dr. Sarcophagus, reported that over-excitement from anticipation of the congratulatory birthday card from the Queen, which he was supposed to receive the next day, led to a massive cardiac arrest. Sir Valet is survived by his wife, 7 children (3 legal, 2 disowned, 2 never-owned) and 25 grandchildren. He is credited with conceiving the idea of 'Valet Parking', a kind of parking service that is now widely offered by posh restaurants and hotels in North America, where a personnel from the establishment will park the customer's car, thereby saving the hassles of 'self-parking' to incompetent drivers.
Although Valet Parking is nowadays offered as a service, Sir Valet, then known as Andrei Azmakhov Valenolovich, had originally used this idea to fool rich customers into handing over the keys to him for parking, and thus allowing him to steal the expensive cars quite easily. This innovative approach in automobile theft caught attention of the international media in early 1930s when Sir Valet, then a mere auto-thief in a Moscow shanty, boldly used the pretext of 'Valet Parking' to steal Comrade Joseph Stalin's official red limo outside the 'People's and Worker's Restaurant' -a Moscow downtown restaurant which at that time was restricted to only high profile members of the Government. That night Stalin was accompanying famous Englishman, George Bernard Shaw, to dinner. Andrei fled Russia in fear of persecution and traveled to United Kingdom where he sought political asylum. The British tabloids lavishly praised him for his courage to stand up against a tyrant by daring to steal his car. However Bernard Shaw, who was supposed to be a witness to the incident, refused to testify before any Magistrate whether it was indeed Andrei Valet who had stolen the car that night, and instead claimed that Stalin would have never agreed to 'valet park' his favorite red car. Officials however had dismissed Mr. Shaw's statement since he was well-known for his sympathetic views towards Stalin's regime. Whatever the truth might have been, it is often suggested that later in his life Sir Valet had helped the British intelligence to plot similar attempts to steal Herr Hitler's car. Upon personal recommendation from Sir Winston Churchill, Andrei was awarded the Knighthood in 1954, although his critics alleged that Churchill was bestowing this honor on Andrei to prevent him from coveting Churchill's brand new car which he had purchased that year with his Nobel prize money.
Sir Andrei Valet became a successful auto-parts dealer in his own right and even started his own manufacturing company in 1948, the StolenAuto Corp. -a name that suggests Sir Valet's love for good humor. However his company's reputation has suffered greatly in the recent years following several legal battles over complaints of real stolen cars being repainted and resold with new registration numbers. In a note scribbled on tissue-paper that Mr. Thug, the Vice-President of StolenAuto Corp., has sent to our News Bureau, he described that "the Company employees will always remember Sir Valet as a formidable boss" and "although everyone is grief-stricken, tomorrow we will be having a grand party at the HQ as per the last wishes of Sir Valet, which he had mentioned only to the trustees and stockholders in private." Sir Valet leaves behind a legacy of a courageous man, a visionary, a philanthropist and a life-long activist for human rights. A funeral mass will be held in his memory tomorrow afternoon by Rev. Grave at the local Catholic Church, where Lord Banter, Earl of Shortford, will be reading a condolence message from the Queen.
FUNERALSHIRE, 31 Feb- Sir Andrei Valet (Pronunciation: \ˈva-lət, ˈva-(ˌ)lā, va-ˈlā\), CBE, eminent social activist and owner of StolenAuto Corp., has passed away in his sleep last night. He was 99 years, 364 days old. His physician, Dr. Sarcophagus, reported that over-excitement from anticipation of the congratulatory birthday card from the Queen, which he was supposed to receive the next day, led to a massive cardiac arrest. Sir Valet is survived by his wife, 7 children (3 legal, 2 disowned, 2 never-owned) and 25 grandchildren. He is credited with conceiving the idea of 'Valet Parking', a kind of parking service that is now widely offered by posh restaurants and hotels in North America, where a personnel from the establishment will park the customer's car, thereby saving the hassles of 'self-parking' to incompetent drivers.
Although Valet Parking is nowadays offered as a service, Sir Valet, then known as Andrei Azmakhov Valenolovich, had originally used this idea to fool rich customers into handing over the keys to him for parking, and thus allowing him to steal the expensive cars quite easily. This innovative approach in automobile theft caught attention of the international media in early 1930s when Sir Valet, then a mere auto-thief in a Moscow shanty, boldly used the pretext of 'Valet Parking' to steal Comrade Joseph Stalin's official red limo outside the 'People's and Worker's Restaurant' -a Moscow downtown restaurant which at that time was restricted to only high profile members of the Government. That night Stalin was accompanying famous Englishman, George Bernard Shaw, to dinner. Andrei fled Russia in fear of persecution and traveled to United Kingdom where he sought political asylum. The British tabloids lavishly praised him for his courage to stand up against a tyrant by daring to steal his car. However Bernard Shaw, who was supposed to be a witness to the incident, refused to testify before any Magistrate whether it was indeed Andrei Valet who had stolen the car that night, and instead claimed that Stalin would have never agreed to 'valet park' his favorite red car. Officials however had dismissed Mr. Shaw's statement since he was well-known for his sympathetic views towards Stalin's regime. Whatever the truth might have been, it is often suggested that later in his life Sir Valet had helped the British intelligence to plot similar attempts to steal Herr Hitler's car. Upon personal recommendation from Sir Winston Churchill, Andrei was awarded the Knighthood in 1954, although his critics alleged that Churchill was bestowing this honor on Andrei to prevent him from coveting Churchill's brand new car which he had purchased that year with his Nobel prize money.
Sir Andrei Valet became a successful auto-parts dealer in his own right and even started his own manufacturing company in 1948, the StolenAuto Corp. -a name that suggests Sir Valet's love for good humor. However his company's reputation has suffered greatly in the recent years following several legal battles over complaints of real stolen cars being repainted and resold with new registration numbers. In a note scribbled on tissue-paper that Mr. Thug, the Vice-President of StolenAuto Corp., has sent to our News Bureau, he described that "the Company employees will always remember Sir Valet as a formidable boss" and "although everyone is grief-stricken, tomorrow we will be having a grand party at the HQ as per the last wishes of Sir Valet, which he had mentioned only to the trustees and stockholders in private." Sir Valet leaves behind a legacy of a courageous man, a visionary, a philanthropist and a life-long activist for human rights. A funeral mass will be held in his memory tomorrow afternoon by Rev. Grave at the local Catholic Church, where Lord Banter, Earl of Shortford, will be reading a condolence message from the Queen.
2 comments:
complete OHT. So had not commented earlier :D and yeah have seen your latest tastes in music and movies. Can't recognize 90% of them. But good that you've taken up something nice.
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
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